A collection of jokes Folks!

Updated: Wednesday 2 September, 2009 0:29

A Year 3 teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.
To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.
'Very good', says the teacher.
Peter says he had toast. 'T-O-A-S-T'.
'Excellent.'
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
'I had f**k all', he says, 'F-U-C-K A-L-L'.
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of New Guinea.
Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off New Zealand's east coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.
Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says,
'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother. That's why I got fuck all for breakfast'.

Australian humour.

Bruce was dying. Sheila sat at the bedside. He looked up and said
weakly: "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " she replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die
in peace. I've rooted your sister, your best mate, her best mate, and
your mother!"
"I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison do its
work."

The Battle Of The Queens.......

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvin has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up bitch."

There's this gorilla, and he's walking through the jungle when he comes upon a lion drinking from a watering hole. The lion's ass is sticking up in the air, and the gorilla thinks to himself: "Wouldn't it be hilarious if I ran up behind that lion and fucked him in the ass?"
So he sneaks up behind the lion, quickly fucks it up the ass, then runs like hell. "Hah!" he thinks to himself. "I just fucked the king of the jungle up the ass!"
His gloating is soon cut short, however, when he hears the lion crashing through the jungle behind him, roaring like a demon, hot on his trail.
"Holy shit!" thinks the gorilla, "I gotta hide!" Luckily, he stumbles across an empty campsite. Thinking fast, he sits in a chair by the tent, picks up a newspaper off the ground and pretends to be a man on safari.
The lion comes roaring into the campsite. "Hey, YOU!" he says. "Did you happen to see a gorilla come running through here?"
From behind the newspaper, the trembling gorilla asks: "D-d-do you mean the one who f-f-fucked you up the ass?"
The lion is shocked. "Holy shit!" he says… "it's in the fucking paper already?!"

Johnny came home from school one day with a dreamy smile on his face. "What's with you?" they asked.
"I lost my virginity today!"
His Mum is horrified, but his Dad is over the moon.
"A chip off the old block!" he says, "Did you enjoy it?"
"Yeah it was great!" replies Johnny.
"Well, if you have any questions just ask your old man, any time!"
"I do have one question, Dad." "What is it son?" "When will my arse stop bleeding?"

A blonde walks into a beauty salon to get a hair cut with headphones on. The hairdresser asks her to take them off for the haircut and she replies "I can't, I'll die." She proceeds to cut her hair and it looks awful.
Six weeks later the same blonde comes in for another haircut. The hairdresser pleads with her "Please take your headphones off - I can make your hair look beautiful."
Once again the blonde replies "I can't, I'll die." So she receives another awful haircut.
Six weeks later the blonde show up at the salon and once again the hairdresser says "Please take your headphones off - I can make your hair beautiful if you would just take off the headphones."
"I can't, I'll die!"
The hairstylist proceeds to cut her hair. While doing so the blonde falls asleep. The hairstylist quickly thinks to herself - I will remove the headphones and replace them before she wakes up, I'll make her hair beautiful.
Seconds after doing this the blonde falls off the chair. The hairdresser checks her and she is most assuredly dead!
Dying to know what was keeping her alive with the headphones on, she places them on her head. She hears: "Breathe in, breathe out - breathe in, breath out."

There was a man who took very good care of his body and jogged six miles every day. One morning while admiring himself in the mirror, he noticed that he was sun-tanned all over, with the exception of his penis. He decided that he needed to do something about it immediately. So, he went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out. About that time, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane. On seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it round with her cane. She turned to her friend and said, "There is no justice in the world." The other little old lady said, "What do you mean by that?" The first little old lady said, "Look at that. When I was 20 . . . I was curious about it. When I was 30 . . . I enjoyed it. When I was 40 . . . I asked for it. When I was 50 . . . I paid for it. When I was 60 . . . I prayed for it. When I was 70 . . . I forgot about it. And now that I am 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat."

A man is in a hotel lobby.
He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front
desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does his
elbow digs into her breast. They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'm, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

A guy is on an Airplane He is sitting next to a gorgeous girl. The babe is wearing a very sexy skirt and typing busily on a laptop computer, not paying any attention to this guy, or to the stewardess asking her if she would like to eat or drink anything. So this guy comments to her "Must be something important you're working on." The babe says. "Yes, I doing a very important research." And then the guy asks: "What's the research about ? The babe answers: "I am trying to determine which nationality has the longest dicks, and which the widest." The guy asks: "And what did you find ?" The babe says, "People from Iran have the longest, and Italians have the widest. Then she turns to him and says, by the way I'm Nancy. The guy says: "And I am Alfredo Rafsanjani." smiling directly at her.

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant, and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just at about the time that she is due to give birth, a priest goes into hospital for a prostate gland problem. The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do.
After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him that it's a miracle." "Do you think that it'll work?" she asks the doctor. "It's worth a try," he replies. So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation, he goes to see the priest and says, "Father, you are not going to believe this." "What?" says the priest, "what happened?" "You gave birth to a child." "But that's impossible!" "I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle and here's the baby." Fifteen years go by, and the priest realises that he must tell his son the truth. So one day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you.
I'm not your father." The son demands, "What do you mean, not my father?" The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."

A young boy goes up to his father and says, "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. 
Can I ask you a question?"
His father replies, "Yes, son. What's the question?" 
The boy asks, "What is politics?"
The father thinks for a second and then replies, "That's a difficult one. 
 Well, let's take our home for example. I'm the wage earner, so let's call me capitalism. 
Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her government. 
We take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people.
We'll call our housekeeper the working class, and your baby brother we can call the future. Do you understand, son?"
The boy replies, "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."
That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong.
Discovering that the baby had soiled his nappy, the boy went to his parent's room 
and found his mother sound asleep. 
He then went to the housekeeper's room, where, peeking through the keyhole,  
he saw his father in bed with the housekeeper. The boy's knocking went totally  
unheeded by his father and the housekeeper, so the boy returned to his room 
and went back to sleep.  The next morning he went up to his father 
and said, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is."  

"Good son. Can you explain it to me in your own words?"
"Well Dad, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the Government is sound asleep, 
the people are being completely ignored and the future is full of shit".



As the truck driver 
 came flying over the top of a steep hill he spotted two figures in his path 
  rolling around in the middle of the road. The driver blew his horn and braked 
  frantically, but the two guys continued their lovemaking, in spite of his warnings. 
  The truck finally slid to a halt barely three inches from the pair. 'Are you 
  crazy?" The driver shouted at them. "YOU could have been killed!" One man stood 
  up and said, "Well, I was coming, he was coming, you were coming. ...and you 
  were the only one with brakes".

  

A Priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the Priest opened a conversation
by saying, "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... but, have you actually ever tasted it?" The rabbi said, "I must tell the truth, Yes, I have, on the odd occasion." Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too.. .I know you're supposed to be celibate. But ?"
The Priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice." There was a deep silence until the Rabbi said, "Better than a ham sandwich, isn't it?"

A bride to be and her friend were out shopping for the bride's big day.
They were discussing what the bride would wear:
BRIDE I'm wearing a beautiful white dress
FRIEND You can't wear white, you've been married three times...
BRIDE Why can't I?
FRIEND You have to be a virgin...
BRIDE BUT I AM a virgin. Husband No.1 was a psychiatrist who only wanted to talk about sex,
Husband No.2 was a photographer who only wanted to take pictures

but Husband No.3 was a stamp collector and OH GOD do I miss him!

A child comes from school and finds his Mum and Dad making love with his Mum in top bouncing up and down. He says ' Mum, what are you doing?' I'm flattening Dads tummy,' replies his Mum. 'Don't bother,' says the child, ' because when you go out to work the maid will just come in as usual and blow it back up again.'

The Boy sat down to do his homework assignment.
All he had to do was put each of the following vocabulary words in a sentence.
Here's what he wrote. (Ebonic style)

  1.  INCOME -  I just got in bed wit dis whore and INCOME my wife. 

  2.  RECTUM - I had two Cadillacs, but my ol' lady RECTUM both. 

  3.  DISAPPOINTMENT - My parole officer tol me if I miss DISAPPOINTMENT 
                             they gonna send me back to the big house. 

 4.  FORECLOSE - If I pay alimony this month, I'll have no money FORECLOSE

 5.  CATACOMB - Don King was at the fight the other night, Man, 
                            somebody give that CATACOMB. 

  6.  PENIS - I went to da doctor and he handed me a cup and said PENIS. 

  7.  ISRAEL -  Alonso tried to sell me a Rolex, I said Man, that looks 
                           fake. He said, No, ISRAEL. 

  8.  UNDERMINE  -  There is a really  fine lookin' whore livin' in the 
							apartment  UNDERMINE. 

  9.  HONOR - At the rape trial, the judge axed my buddy, who be HONOR  first? 

10.  STAIN -  My mother-in-law axed if I was STAIN for dinner again. 

11.  SELDOM -  My cousin gave me two 'xtra tickets to the Knicks game, so I  SELDOM. 

12.  ODYSSEY - I told my brother,  man!  you ODYSSEY the tits on this whore. 

13.  HORDE - My  sister got into trouble because she HORDE around in school.